Since that first entry, I received a call. This call was of a heavily Spiritual kind. The kind of internal calling that makes one feel like she’s Shug Avery from The Color Purple (I'm laughing while typing this, but go on and click that box below and you'll see what I'm talking about for those that aren't familiar)
Yes, this “Wild Child of Eros”; the ‘domme’ is being Dominated by Christ/God these days. Before y'all start building a story in your precious heads, NO nothing bad happened to me that brought me to this tipping point. Business moving moderately smooth as usual. Just living and breathing and beating folks lol. For me, there came a time in the quiet spaces when one has to truly ask his/herself, what is this all for? I mean REALLY what is this all for and what are the long term effects way outside of these planes? Does this have an effect on the Spirit and what are you taking with you when it's all said & done? But I’ll get that personal part of that dance soon enough as everything is parts of a whole.
As of late, I’ve been thinking about the world we’re living in. A world where we ‘do what we want when we want’ when the lines are blurred and exceptions are made. Temporary pleasantries are sought at an all time high without deeper meanings. Especially from a man’s perspective. Although I hear about the stories of ‘rebel Jezebels’ from some of my male friends lol. I can attest to some of those stories on a personal note.
I’ve come to realize moving with intent with something so intricate and intimate such as the mind and the fantasies or walls we put up to cover up the very thing we need to seriously address within ourselves. Sexuality is often times a highway for cataclysmic catalysts within the bigger picture. Public Pleasures and private pains. The private pains are the things that eat us all alive in the end. In my case they lay in the recesses of spankings and all sorts of other areas of ‘play’ although 'exciting'...You really start to wonder WHY??. I asked one client, why do you ‘like’ this? He said, “I like that it’s elicit. That there’s a feeling of wrong or taboo to it.” It made me think, what am I being the conduit for? What am I subscribing to? I know I’m not like other ‘dommes’ who can be this character wearing a mask of ‘power’. My ‘power’ is not derived from acts or scenes. Or blindly do their work or chase money like robots. I’m a thinker and caring individual. The same client who said he ‘likes the elicit nature’ of play is the same one who wants a ‘domme to own him’ a girlfriend who can do all the kinky things that he enjoys. He just got out of a very lengthy relationship with someone who he couldn’t open up to and express these sexual desires. My client base is predominantly men who are married and don’t have a clue on how to open up to their wives. Or the wives grow out of being sure of themselves and just let sexual relations slip away and inevitably their marriage because they don’t know how to address those feelings within themselves as well. Body changes from child birth, seeing the sexy younger contemporary comparisons of a hyper sexualized society we’re living in amongst other reasons both parties feel some sort of disconnect. BUT as I’ve stated before, people are clinging to things or seeking for things that are a bit on the hyper side as well. The ‘lonely hearts’ club is at an all time high. Doing the kind of work that I do, I actually TALK with most of the people who are seeking me out for ‘past time paradise’ kinky moments and like I said, I start to see the deeper feelings behind the conversations. The Public (or private) Pleasures and Private Pains y'all. The kind that eats at these folks. That begins to eat at me carrying their secrets in my 'earthen vessel' wishing freedom for them and for myself past these moments of 2hour session thrills.
With these thoughts and feelings that are now sprouting in my heart and mind, one may ask, “so are you going to give up domming?” Or “isn’t it hypocritical to keep doing what you’re doing?” YOU DON’T BECOME A HOLY ROLLER OVERNIGHT. I repeat, this kind of Spiritual Dominance from ‘Above’ does not happen overnight. The ‘rolling’ part of trying to ‘get right’ outside of the most ‘public pleasure’ (human sexuality which unfortunately has diminished from the real ‘sacred sexuality’) is not something one can easily overcome professionally or even privately as sex and all things within it has been my ‘sin’ of choice for a very long time. NOW don’t get me wrong sex is not wrong according to the Bible. However, now that I’ve dealt in MANY AREAS of it and I’m Spiritually studying; I can see where and why the importance of ‘sacred sex’ is the missing key. AND quite frankly and honestly, some/most of these acts are not done sacredly (actions, intent, Purpose). Oye Vey(I make majority of my ‘bread n butter’ this way). Yes, I am transitioning through this moment in time and I have Faith that I will be okay in that retrospect. While I’m transitioning, I’m learning to see & enjoy the wondrous moments in the tests of transition. To see where my faith is, to see where I am in my walk, to see if I can shed the private pains that surpass BDSM and maybe even share a few publicly. So as I was faithful to this ‘work’, and now becoming faithful in God, I’m growing through some serious things.
Here’s a moment of clarity/testing grounds from God while dancing with the devil. I’m with my long term patron who I happen to consider a friend in some respects. We have great sessions which are slow paced and cool overall. Because of the intensity of the sessions, we tend to take a break between the first & second segments where we talk about many things. But there are areas of conversation one avoids in the ‘workplace’…. You know…Politics and Religion. Since I’ve been in transition, I make it a practice to pray ask for forgiveness before during and after the sessions. They say when you’re in the midst that’s when you lean hard on God. Yes, to be in the world engaged to what I’m doing and yet be Spiritually devoid or detached praying for forgiveness for my client (for he knows not what he’s doing/thinking in his ignorance overall) praying I mean quite literally. There are sessions where my lips are actually moving in deep hearty prayer while I’m spanking or doing something 'debaucherously' subject to repentance in the twilight thinking/reflecting hours) Thank goodness for blindfolds on the clients, but I digress…. So Politics and Religion, two ‘water cooler’ or ‘whipping boot licking’ topics that I avoid. This particular night, for some reason we ventured into the conversation. I think it was because of the upcoming Easter holiday weekend. Big moment for Christians and Jews in particular &/or anyone who celebrates the Life of Christ because it’s noted as Resurrection Weekend with the ‘holy rollers’. I had a feeling that this guy didn’t believe in God and I don’t get involved with that part of people’s brains. But he was going on and on in grand comically atheist fashion and I wasn’t offended personally, but when I get involved with discussions like that, I’m usually like “uh you don’t believe in a higher power ok…BUT do you know your enemy and how ‘he’ works??” Nonetheless, I keep it cool and listen and add in my ‘two cents’ where I can. But then the question comes up. OH SNAP gag moment! Now, if I may backtrack a bit. WE never got into discussion of this magnitude before. We never never never. Seriously. So smack my ass cheeks red on this moment. Flat out no pre-empt no nothing just, “Is Jesus Christ Your Lord and Savior?” I look at him and I think you could have heard my eyes blinking. As I began to talk, but he interrupts and says, “there’s no maybes here it’s yes or no is Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior?”
Now lets envision this interesting moment shall we. I’ve just finished doing some unholy things to him, we’re on break, I’m sitting with a long phallus attached to me prepping for the 2nd round of ‘play’ (all the while praying) and this question. Out of all the questions THIS QUESTION. Then one of my favorite verses from the Bible flashes very quickly in my mind “Simply let your yes be yes and your no no for anything else is from the evil one” Mathew 5:37. I just had a heavy discussion with someone earlier in the week about certain parts of my life lived in the ‘maybe’ sense and not Affirmative YES or NO hence why I am where I am now with my Life Transition. This person asked this question in such a way that took me by surprise and it almost seemed like it wasn’t from him. This very direct and precise question that in my heart I couldn’t answer it with a ‘no’ for that wouldn’t have been true and it would’ve been an awful thing. I now feel like much more awful than I could imagine inside of me if I said ‘no’. I answered, “yes, yes yes I do believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.” Then my client looked at me and said, “okay if that sustains you and keeps you and makes you a better person that’s great. Don’t let anyone steer you from your beliefs”. It was a surreal quiet that came into the room at that moment. We talked a bit more, lightened the conversation and concluded the rest of our session. Needless to say I was much more exhausted than usual from that session physically mentally and Spiritually.
Although it was a nervous “yes” that came out of my mouth, at that point I made a declaration in a situation. God was dominating me by testing me. I’ve said this in other situations in print. I’ve proclaimed this in other spaces. BUT I have yet to be put into a moment where this came up. He knows where I am, I know where I am as I have much work to do even while I honor God by communing with Him more and more. Even through the deeds of my ‘chosen sin’ aka work (although some of the works are perhaps dishonorable at the moment…sigh But through the tests, I uphold His Honorable Patience and am comforted by His Mercy).
Sorry I'm getting 'church-ie' in here, but I don't believe in hypocritical living and doing. Duality = YES Hypocritical being = NO and this IS a 'diary' right? lol In the meantime between time, I'll keep y'all in the loop of my fantastic journey honestly as the suns and moons cross. God IS GREAT and He shows up in the most peculiar times (the 'other dude downstairs’; he shows up all the time augh) You just have to submit to Him and the experiences once you start to acknowledge what’s going on. The power of submission to a Higher Power (GOD) is indeed greater than any slap n tickle here EVEN while I'm transitioning. Yep I said it and mean it!
"This is NOT 'man's religion', this IS God's Spirituality at work. Real live heartfelt hard work" - 'Aura Dynamo'
I have left the realm of twitter and reside in Tumblr land via The Altered States of Aura... auradacity-of.tumblr.com for random enthusiastic musings. You can also find me via Face Book under Aura Dynamo if we’re not connected already. Don't forget to send a message when you make that 'friend request'. At least I'll know where ya found me. If you can't find me, leave your FB name/profile at audacityof@gmail.com so I can find you.
Delightful Disclaimer – ‘The Domme Diaries' may or may not always be direct adventures of Aura Dynamo. Names, exact dates and anything else that might prove otherwise have been omitted to protect some of the 'innocent' and a few idiots.
Delightful Disclaimer – ‘The Domme Diaries' may or may not always be direct adventures of Aura Dynamo. Names, exact dates and anything else that might prove otherwise have been omitted to protect some of the 'innocent' and a few idiots.
"Go do something Audacious with yourself and enjoy the memories!" - Aura Dynamo
Audacity Of… © 2010- 2011
**Photos by 'Phant' of Phanton Graffics**
**Photos by 'Phant' of Phanton Graffics**
